A Survival Guide for Year Thirty-Five
A Survival Guide for Year Thirty-Five
What I needed to hear a year ago
Trip number thirty-five around the sun was undoubtedly the hardest yet, but—as is often the case—also the most fruitful. I took some time to write down reflections on the year that was. Here are 70 takeaways that my 34-year-old self would have done well to listen to (two for each year, because I like random patterns). Of course, much of these are contextual, but perhaps you'll find something that resonates.
Heart matters
There is a difference between love and attachment. I’m not talking about attachment styles here, but rather the negative kind of attachment where care is confused with ‘possessiveness’ of an aspect of the relationship.
Your ability to relate well with others will define your success.
Becoming more authentically yourself will be hampered by trying to become some version of a person that someone else wants you to be.
Let people self-select. You be you, and let them figure out if they want to spend time with you. Reveal your interiority, and trust that they will reveal theirs too. If they don’t reciprocate, don’t force it.
Your emotions are not scary for people if they're the right people. Crying openly in front of relative strangers who crossed my path has led to some amazing friendships in the last year.
Making friends later in life is hard, but sometimes magic happens. I think it's strongly correlated to this vulnerability and dropping the masks of who you're supposed to be.
Pay people genuine compliments.
You can go from being friends, to being more than friends, and then back to being friends quite easily. All you need is mutual respect and open lines of communication.
Don't expect one person to hold you, especially if you're not able to hold yourself. You can't find completion in the other. Being in a relationship can be amazing, but the other person cannot carry you on the path, they can only walk alongside you.
People deal with their traumas differently. It doesn't need to be a reflection on you.
Contempt destroys relationships.
Many of the best things in life start with an invitation. Practice knowing when to ask, and knowing when to be invited.
The people that trigger you most can be your best teachers. Reach out to them and figure out how.
Friends and family will get you through the tough times. Prioritise your relationships with them.
In most cases, our parents were trying their best. The narratives that we picked up are our own responsibility to address.
If you want to build your life with someone, you need to navigate the growing and adapting process together. Everything is continually changing, and things can never be as they always were. You can try to create a steady state, but it won’t work.
Good relationships with your siblings and their partners is a gift in itself. Don't take them for granted (and be grateful if they live in the same city as you.)
Find a cause that you can contribute to. Serving others is enriching and will fulfil you more than you’d expect. You might even find yourself surprisingly enjoying your time if you find the right areas of focus.
The psychological playground
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” (thanks Aristotle)
Reason has its limits. If you think you can figure everything out, you'll drive yourself crazy. There are too many paradoxes, and things don't resolve in neat, packageable solutions that can be distilled on a motivational Instagram post.
Be grateful that Jung walked the earth and flirted with psychosis for years. We're all better for it.
If you are not aware of your shadow, it's probably driving your behaviours.
A major part of my shadow is anger. I’ve been afraid of this part of myself, but now I'm learning to build a healthy relationship with it.
What makes me most angry is when people try to control my behaviour with fear-based narratives.
What has been repressed will eventually come to the surface.
The latent parts of ourselves that are revealed under the influence of alcohol or drugs are accessible through practice (and sometimes sheer damn luck when the veil of inhibition comes down of its own accord.)
Marijuana can take you to some terrifying headspaces. Whilst I’m not one for all-or-nothing thinking, I'm steering clear of it from now on. I don't judge those who use it, but I would advise caution. Your sanity is precious, and I’ve heard too many horror stories after sharing some of my experiences with others.
Confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop cutting yourself down at the knees. (And again, stop cutting yourself down at the knees.)
Loss and the resultant grief are part of life. When you inevitably experience loss, be sure to feel the grief and not distract yourself. You're allowed to feel deeply sad, and it doesn't need to be diagnosed as depression and medicated.
When you go through heartbreak of any kind, it's okay to take time off. It's okay to not be able to function. Sometimes you just need to cry. You might be feeling all the emotions you’ve repressed for years.
On the other side of the coin, sometimes you need to "kyk noord en vok voort" (look north and go forward, although slightly more explicit)
Looking backwards with “if onlies” and “what might have beens” is an addictive behaviour pattern.
Negative thinking is also addictive. Ask yourself what benefit you’re getting from this pattern, because on some level it is serving you (otherwise you wouldn’t do it). You can only break the pattern if you become conscious of that motivation.
A good therapist is worth their price in salt. Don’t stick with someone because they’re cheap.
I still have to work through negative stigmas about using medication to treat mental health issues. This has been brought to the fore in my own relationship with Concerta and ADHD, and how I've responded when people have told me I should go on anti-depressants. Medication can be a life-saver.
A practical tip: Spending money on things you enjoy is well worth it. If you love music, good speakers will change your life. Pay a little bit of money and upgrade your sound system.
Embodiment… getting physical
Trust your body—it has an innate wisdom. Your gut, your skin, the sexual energy that moves through you —learn to listen to their messages.
Your emotions can make you sick, and in the long run probably even kill you.
Following on from that, trauma gets stored in the body. At some point you need to release it if you want to be free of it.
You won't get sick by walking barefoot on the cold floor or dancing in the rain. That's a fear-based belief system.
Walk barefoot in the mud. Hug a tree. Before you laugh at the hippies, give it a proper go and if it doesn’t leave you feeling better I’ll be very surprised.
Our life's activities can easily get caught up in limiting narratives. If you pause and ask "is this really true?", you may unlock some new paradigms.
Sexual shame is a damaging legacy of conservative religious teaching. Your body is wonderful, and other’s bodies are wonderful — your desires are not shameful. (There's a whole essay on this in my drafts folder, but I'm busy figuring out the line of overshare vs. what might be helpful for others)
Start strength training. I'm sure you've heard this from someone in your network, and I'm pleased to say that that someone is probably right. I wished I'd started sooner, but alas, I'm okay with the petite young lady next to me outlifting me for a few more months.
Start foam-rolling. I've complained about ITB niggles for years, but in the last few months I've actually started rolling like all the physiotherapists, Pilates teachers and biokineticists said I should, and waddayaknow, my ITB has gotten much better.
Sports massages are amazing and are a great way to prevent injuries.
You're probably holding a large amount of unnecessary tension in your body. It's easy to let go of these patterns if you become aware of them. In-person Alexander Technique lessons are a game changer. It's been such a relief to stop clenching my butt cheeks, jaw and shoulders.
Dancing has unlocked new levels of joy in my life. Not salsa or hip-hop or anything stuctured, but “ecstatic” dancing. There's nothing like getting tribal on a dance floor.
When dancing, you're probably not using your hips enough, and your arms should go above your head at least once in a while. Yes, people will look at you. But if you’re having fun, eventually you’ll forget about them. And if they’re judging you, that’s their problem.
The non-verbal connection in Contact Improvisation (another dance form) will teach you more about communication and boundaries than hours of conversation.
Ending off on two practical notes, don’t buy running shoes online if you have fat feet, and…
… if you enjoy festivals and music concerts, get protective earplugs. It'll save you the hearing aid costs later in life.
On matters of the spirit and collective psyche
The mountain is the same as you, metaphorically and metaphysically.
We don't pay enough attention to the divine feminine, and our spirituality suffers for it.
The patriarchy is real, and it hurts men too. Check your narratives when it comes to dealing with the women in your midst.
Men need to connect with their inner feminine, their anima. Seeking out female spiritual mentors can help tremendously.
Metta meditation (loving-kindness meditation) is one of the most important practices for Western meditators.
Magical thinking is a lot of fun, and who cares if you sound ‘woo’? Last year I was sitting on my intellectual horse poking holes everywhere, now I'm opening myself up to not having to have the answers.
Related to this, maybe synchronicities are a thing? A year ago I would have probably ridiculed someone who said this—privately of course because a lot of my spiritual friends use this language—but wow, I've had some weird things happen to me in the last three months.
Maybe alchemy is to chemistry what astrology is to some other form of spirituality? This is not to say astrological systems of making sense of the world are necessarily accurate, or that we're not subject to the Barnham effect. But either way, dropping my judgement of people who believe in astrology has opened me up to richer relationships.
Don’t worry too much about timing. Time is one of those magical things—a lot can happen in a short space of time, that wouldn’t happen if you had a death-grip controlling it.
Entertain the possibility that ‘inanimate objects’ are actually animate. Maybe rivers can talk, and not just in a metaphorical sense?
The bottom lines
We're all in this together, and we all want simple things: to be seen, to be loved, and to be happy.
There will be pain and suffering in life. Stop believing you can avoid it: it’s not a ‘negative narrative’ that you can simply ‘manifest’ your way past.
Suffering is only a part of the story. Whilst there may be much suffering, there is also much joy. The sun will shine again.
Things will always change. Everything you know and love will eventually pass away. Surrender yourself to the inevitability of your mortality.
When you have the option to act, choose the action that resonates with love over fear.
Keep your heart open. The people you will learn the most from have suffered greatly, but have chosen to keep their hearts open.
And that’s it for year thirty-five.
I’ll definitely cringe when I look back on these in years to come. But a bonus lesson is to not take myself so seriously. As a rule, people are mostly absorbed in themselves, and very few actually care what I think.
So why not have some fun as I figure it out? We’re allowed to change our minds and make mistakes, and it’s rewarding to look back on these slices of life in years to come (like I did for my 33rd birthday)
Here’s to more trips around the sun and around my mind, with many more lessons to come.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I always love hearing from readers, so just reply to this email.
