33 Thoughts to Commemorate Another Trip Around the Sun
A collection of ideas that have taken root on the journey so far.
These are some things I've been chewing on over the last while, and I thought it would be a good marker to remember the year by. The statements are completely unsubstantiated, so take with a pinch (handful) of salt.
As always, I feel the need to caveat: any effort to capture broad perspectives in pithy statements is invariably going to miss some marks. Hopefully there's sufficient ambiguity and minimal preachiness. Where I fall short, remember your handful of salt.
1. Universal statements on the best way to live your life are best avoided.
Everything is contextual. The current moment is not a snapshot in time, but rather the downstream consequence of innumerable circumstances, and everyone's path to this moment is different.
2. "What I know, is that I don't know" (a favourite lyric from Trevor Hall).
When I was 22 I had all the answers. At 26 they started slipping away. At 29 I finally started to grasp that I didn't need all the answers. Who knows what will happen next?
3. Change is inevitable.
Everything is in a constant state of flux. Change invariably creates dissonance, but this might spur us to find deeper resonance, so maybe we should embrace it more? Easier said than done (that should be its own thought!)
4. It's impossible to avoid pain & suffering as you move through life.
Life will throw-up unavoidable riptides. The further you are from shore, the deeper the ocean. You can either attach yourself to a rickety raft of certainty or control, or focus on improving your swim strokes.
5. Fear usually reduces to the avoidance of either suffering, or the existential vacuum of 'non-being'.
Control is our attempt at preventing suffering. Clinging to certainty (i.e. with blind faith) is a defence against the consuming void. Relinquishing the 'known' is terrifying.
6. Somewhere inside each of us is the propensity to cause great harm to others.
Outrage and judgementalness are defence mechanisms that prevent us from seeing into the depths of ourselves, and realising that we too are capable of great evils given the right (wrong) circumstance.
7. Certain behaviours are the remnants of our brains' outdated operating systems.
We're still geared for survival in a world of abundance & security. Practise identifying the behaviours that no longer serve you, and try to correct them the next time. That's the best you can do.
8. We should have more tolerance for mistakes.
This doesn't just refer to perfectionist corporate culture (which is shooting itself in the foot), but rather when someone does something that we don't think we would have done. Given the right circumstances, we might have.
9. Your experience of this journey will improve if you adopt the viewpoint that most people are trying their best (and most of the time they're not out to get you).
I suspect there are few purely malicious actors in the world. Our programming seems to solve for belonging rather than isolation. Malice is not a desirable group behaviour. I'd also hazard a guess that many acts which appear to be malicious are borne of desperation.
10. There are no silver bullets to achieving enduring well-being.
Not a belief system, not meditation, not some alternative therapy... they all help, but ultimately contentedness is a practice that we have to cultivate continually. A good life is made up of good days.
On that note…
11. Avoid spiritual hierarchies, or anyone putting themselves in the position of mediator between you & ultimate connection.
Mentors or teachers are not bad, but power dynamics that keep you submissive or that elevate certain members of the group on pedestals are.
Bearing that caution in mind…
12. We cannot come to wisdom independently.
Our worldviews and understanding are built on the back of centuries of colliding ideas. Massive s/o to our tribal ancestors for getting us going (I feel like we need to pay more attention to their wisdom). Also a h/t to philosophers of old for some serious refinement along the way. This refinement and collision is part of our social fabric, as "iron sharpens iron." Preserving open spaces for discourse is important, and unfortunately we're getting worse at it.
13. Relating / relationships can be hard.
We're all playing different games with different objectives and constraints. Figure out your objectives and learn where your boundaries are, then see if there's people who want to play some games with you. It need not be forever, and you might even be playing different games but sharing the same field for a certain time. That's okay. You'll avoid a lot of pain if you're transparent and communicate openly. And if it feels effortless, amazing! Not everything in life has to be hard.
14. Very rarely will you change another person's mind (especially if you're dogmatic).
Ask yourself why you want to change their mind in the first place. If they have a worldview you don't share, ask them if they're open to changing their worldview before forcing yours on them.
15. Good friends are a gift who will amplify your good days and get you through dark ones.
I don't believe that "happiness is only real when shared", but I do believe that sharing aspects of the human experience with people who only want the best for you is an amazing privilege. They are also powerful shock absorbers. There are days where everything is a f-up, days (months, years) when you don't believe in yourself, when you feel like you're going off a cliff. They'll encourage you to find the right offramps, and question your bullshit ideas of yourself.
16. Stop looking over the fence, the grass is not always greener.
Some of us have the impulse to maximise. Proceed with caution. To quote a friend, "the idea of I could be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else is the most dangerous thing to encounter in myself".
17. Despite what it often feels like, life is not a competition.
"Comparison is the thief of joy", and power and status games are actually a little bit silly, yet so easy to get roped into (I'm very guilty of this). Be careful of what games you're playing, esp. unconsciously.
18. Talking about power, losing your cool is not a sign of power, but rather of weakness.
Even if a given situation becomes adversarial, losing your temper means you've lost the battle. I've been left embarrassed on numerous occasions after losing my cool.
19. Instead of trying to get an edge (e.g. micro-dosing) we should be trying to get 'in'... that is, 'insight'.
Insight into ourselves, our gifts & foibles, the things that make us us. Remember it's not a competition. Spot the banana skins, then step over them. Polish the gems.
20. Narrative makes up a huge part of our human experience.
Realising the dominant narratives in your life & taking ownership for shaping them is a super-power. What are the stories you're telling yourself? Are they building you up or breaking you down? What needs to change?
21. Most of the time we're our own worst enemies.
Yet somehow our negative behaviours are serving us in a perverse way. We all have a deep desire to belong & the things that trip us up often garner attention from others. This makes us feel seen, giving us a sense of belonging.
22. Be careful of shaping your identity around your circumstances or a condition.
There are likely many others who have struggled with the same thing/s. If you shape your identity around 'that thing', you may be rewarded by unlocking the support of others who struggle with it. This will only create a feedback loop where you continually focus on that thing (which is probably a banana skin), instead of integrating it as a part of your make-up and moving on with your life. Don't incentivise yourself to do that.
On a related note…
23. Watch out for the recursive loops of self-fulfilling prophecies.
"Argue for your limitations and surely they will be yours" — Richard Bach.
This does not deny that some people have objectively unfair limitations. However, many get stuck in learned helplessness.
24. The most pernicious self-fulfilling prophecy/narrative is ascribing your unhappiness to your high intelligence.
Whilst it is nice have something to blame (and yes, there may be correlation), it won't help you get out of that hole. It's also somewhat arrogant.
Speaking of blame…
25. Blaming others or some amorphous external entity for your behaviours won't serve you.
A prime example is 'the algorithm'. It is a privilege to be able to direct your attention, rather than being scammed into clicks by thumbnails/recommended feeds.
26. If you're not sure why you're doing something, you can never do enough of it.
What are you looking for and why? Ask this a few times and you'll usually get to 'I want to feel safe' or 'to feel like I belong'. How can you consciously create those states of being in your life?
27. We need to trust ourselves more.
Intuition is built on the seat of collected experiences, but "we don't learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience". You'll be surprised at how much you know. Build in practices of meta-cognition to take in the lessons.
28. One of the best questions to ask yourself is "what if I'm wrong?"
Remember, certainty is a rickety raft, and you'll need to practice your swimming. Over time, questions like this will start to feel less destabilising and open you up to exciting possibilities.
29. Don't outsource your decision-making to third parties, e.g. therapists, mentors or friends.
Their perspectives are valuable, but think of them as mirrors to to get reflections of your own thinking, rather than letting them be the voices in your head telling you what to do.
30. One 'formula' that I can recommend (and that I'm trying my best to live out) is to be kind.
Everyone is going through this same potentially absurd experience. I'm sure you've had days where that leaves you feeling utterly useless. Sharing some love may be an antidote.
31. Related point: Look beggars in the eye.
Acknowledge the fellow humans in your experience. They don't need your pity, but rather to be seen. If you choose to give finances, let it be in private, not some stunt to create virtue-signalling 'content' to harvest likes.
32. Your worth is not tied to your productivity (and neither should anyone elses' be).
The idea that we're supposed to maximise efficiency and output to create value is warped. We need better definitions of value (a good starting point might be connection).
33. Loosen up. Laugh at yourself.
Depending on your worldview, you're probably an over-evolved monkey or an imprint of the most high being, or some other alternative cosmic explanation in between. How crazy is that?
Concluding thoughts
I'm sure I'll look back in a few years and laugh at some of these. Maybe that will be the start of me taking myself less seriously? Who knows, maybe that will help me navigate future existential crises with a bit more ease.
Thanks for reading. If any of these thoughts struck a nerve or sparked a reaction, I encourage you to sit with that feeling for a moment. Often, our strongest reactions can be our greatest teachers.
Here's to continued learning on this unpredictable journey.
